Love and Freedom for My Fear
The little girl in my heart is having a dream revived, but my 30 year old frame is staring fear in the face. It’s easy to believe the lie that fear is harder to get over now that I’m older, except for the fact that I’m learning the very real truth of 1 John 4:18–”Perfect love casts out fear.”
I went to my first ever ballet class last night. Yes. At 30 years old, I am taking a ballet class. As my heart has understood and felt the love of my Father more and more, my heart overflows, and my body can’t be still.
Except for when I’m around others. More than the feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing–my body stiffens from fear that wells up when the music begins and I’m aware that I’m in a room full of people.
It’s one thing to dance alone before Him–I can be completely free to get lost in my God and do, regularly. But when I know others can see me, I freeze. For me, it’s such an act of vulnerability and it’s extremely scary to me. I am still working out my fear of man and am learning to walk in the confidence of Christ alone, unaware of what others may be thinking about me.
This dance class is not a solution to fear–only pressing into the heart of my Father, pursuing intimacy with Him, hearing His voice speak words of love to my heart will enable me to walk confidently in His love. The class will help me learn to be more graceful, to have a foundation from which to dance…and to practice pushing through fear before others. A class with five other women that I don’t know is a safe place to learn.
The Lord gave me a sweet word recently that a dream of my heart would be renewed. I used to dream of being the next Kristi Yamaguchi–her grace on the ice captured me. The dream was quenched by others when I was young and in pursuit of the next olympic medal I was told was within reach.
I would watch the climatic dance scene in Dirty Dancing over and over with college friends (this was before growing convictions about what I watched–I don’t recommend the movie!)–desirous of abandoning the constraints of fear and expressing myself freely, but with a twinge of bitterness over a dream stomped on years before.
As healing has happened in this most tender place in my heart, I’ve realized the desire and dream is still there. But I understand now that it’s not just a vane desire to express who I am. It’s a desire to express the Personality in my heart–the beyond words Love that has revived my soul and desires to redeem a dream to be spent on Him. He has asked that I love Him with all of my heart, soul, body, and strength.
This is going to take all of those.
But I know that as I offer myself to Him, as I get lost in Him, it’s not too painful a process. He will give me more beauty and freedom to take the place of my fear as I gaze on Him and he infuses me with His love.
I want to give my body to the Lord–my dance is for Him. It is an outward expression of my heart that adores Jesus. This Man who gave everything for me is asking me to dance for Him. Some he’s given writing, some singing, some playing an instrument. He wants me to dance for His heart–for my heart–and for others to see His heart.
He wants me to dance because He wants to redeem things lost in my little girl’s heart. And He wants me to walk (ahem, and dance) in confidence, free from the fear of man.
There is not one more beautiful than this Man Jesus. I love Him, and I want to freely express my love toward Him, regardless of who is watching. And I want to be confident in His love for me so that as I do have opportunity to express my love for Him before others–they would fall in awe of His beauty and love that would cause such a response in my heart.
He is most beautiful and worthy of all of me.