Dark, but Lovely

Do you ever have days when you get angry with your kids or husband and then spiral down into shame over your behavior afterward? Or maybe you overeat again and are angry with yourself. Unable to cope with the fact that you messed up again, your thoughts dwell on your sin, and then you sin more.  Does this sound familiar? It does to me, too. I used to live in a cycle of messing up and then slipping into shame that crippled me.  I would then sin more, despairing of the hope to ever have real, lasting change.  It’s been a process, and I won’t attain perfection until I meet Jesus face to face, but the Lord has helped me to walk in a new way. Understanding that I’m in process and  that my heart needs to be aligned with the Lord’s in regard to how He sees and feels about me and my sin has been transformational.

Life is a Learning Curve

Several times since being a mom, I’ve thought that my job would be much easier and that I’d be a better mother if I were just more sanctified. If I’d just had specific character training when I was young, I wouldn’t struggle so much. There’s definitely some truth there, but to dwell on those thoughts means death in my spirit. I then begin to self-loathe, and then I sin. I spiral down in the horrible cycle all over again.

I’d look at older moms and wonder how in the world they were so patient and gentle, and think that I would never be like that! Until one day I realized, these women are patient and gentle now because they walked for years with the Lord, as He trained them. Their rough edges were being sanded off as they mothered their small, sinful little children, too!

The fact of the matter is this: all of life is a learning curve. Until we meet the Lord face to face, day in and day out, we’re being renewed. We all have rough edges and sin that must be replaced with righteousness before we enter into the presence of the Lord, where there is no sin. The Lord is readying His bride for that day, and I am learning and growing in understanding now of how to worship Him.

As I walk out the roles He’s given me, He’s making me into the woman He’s always intended for me to be—a worshiper of Jesus. And the truth is that I wouldn’t get there if it weren’t for the very circumstances in which I find myself despairing. He loves to use my life circumstances to open my eyes to my need for Him.

This perspective has helped me in profound ways. When I really understand that sin is being worked out of me, which is a loving act of the Lord, and that in the place of sin being worked out, there is tremendous opportunity to worship the Lord, it changes everything.

Align My Heart, Oh Lord

I’ve learned over the last few years that, with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can grieve over my sin. But it looks very different than the grief that leads me to wallow. That’s worldly sorrow, and it leads to death. I just end up sinning more because I’m already upset with myself for sinning in the first place.

The grief that leads to life is that of a humble, repentant heart. A person that is aware that she is always in desperate need for a savior can agree with Proverbs 24:16—a righteous man falls seven times, but he rises again. To be able to repent of sin, believe that the Lord sees it as a done deal and then to move on took me a long time to be able to do.

Just push delete, Blane would remind me. But I would fight that, asking, “How can I?” Wallow, wallow, wallow. The Lord brought conviction with His word and helped me to realize that I was asking the wrong question. I was still sinning in my question. The right question to ask was, “Lord, how do you see me and feel about me right now? Please, align my heart with yours!”

Whoa. The Lord really comes when we ask questions like this. Do you know what He showed me?  The fact that I get so bent out of shape over my sin reveals something deeper about my heart. I’ve made an idol of myself. To get so upset over messing up is a proud response, not a humble one. Even though I don’t say, or even think it, what is at the center of my being when I despair is the disbelief that I could ever mess up that way, or again. What happens when my mind and heart is so wrapped up in being upset with myself? I’m certainly not worshiping the Lord Jesus. I’m not even thinking about Him.

To ask the Lord to align my heart with His invites Him to come with His word and to speak life over me. When I open my Bible and remind myself of the truth of His Word, asking Him to give me revelation of Jesus (Eph 1:14), the focus is totally different. Do you see the difference? It’s all about Him, and not me. When I have a right perspective of how He sees my sin, I am then free to quickly be aligned with Him and to worship rightly again.

Dark, but Lovely

It’s very easy to get tripped up over our sin and mistakes. When we do, we miss out on some of the sweetest moments with the Lord. It’s similar to life with our kids. When a child comes with a humble heart confessing sin after having a hard heart, they are able to receive our love for them.  It’s a tender, special moment. The child has a renewed desire to walk in the way of life. It’s similar with our Heavenly Father, but far more intimate, satisfying, and life-giving.

We can be like the bride in Song of Solomon who felt her darkness, but declared with her own mouth that she is lovely (SS 1:5). She believed her bridegroom when he said that she is lovely. When he looked at her, he was not distracted by what she saw in herself.  He saw what she could not yet see. She walked in this confidence, and she was able to receive His words of love to her. How much greater is the confidence that we have in Jesus. He sees in our hearts what we can’t yet see, and He calls us to walk in it. He bids us get up again when we fall down in sin, and reminds us of his delight in us.

We feel our darkness, the sin and weakness still in us, but we are so lovely to Him.  When our Father looks at us, He sees only the righteousness of Jesus, and He speaks this over us. I want to walk in this confident truth, don’t you? This is the result of having a heart aligned with His, according to His Word.

Have you wrestled with believing what the Lord says about who you are? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or through my contact page.

This post is part of the I Am a Story Teller link-up

photo courtesty of http://www.sxc.hu/photo/1052096