Embracing the Wilderness

Come as close as You want,
Consume this heart that longs to burn
I know Your fire can hurt,
But I would be worse here without You

For I was made to dwell with You,
And how I ache until I do

Holy God, Take my heart,
Purge with flame and truth!
Holy heart is all I want,
That I may live with You!

Come and take all these chains
That get in the way of what You want
And as I stand in the flame
Still I will say, “I trust You God!”

—————-

When I began writing this blog, I was in the midst of a “wilderness” season.  A season in which the Lord stripped my life of things that I wanted, held onto…He shook many things.

The shaking was unto depths of intimacy with Him that I had not yet known.  I didn’t understand at first, but, slowly, He opened my eyes to understand that He was right there, wooing me to Himself.  He was offering an invitation to go with Him…to where He’d prepare me as His bride and for that day when I will see Him again.

This meant saying yes.  He asked me, didn’t coerce me, to follow Him.  Painfully, tearfully, I said “yes.”  Like Misty, I invited Him to let the winds blow in whichever directions He should choose, whether refreshing or testing. (And yes, I sang and cried that song a lot)

This also meant a total paradigm shift, which included how I view suffering.  I have experienced some measure of suffering, and I even believed it was to serve to strengthen my faith.  But the Lord wanted me to go deeper than that…to learn that suffering is the very place where I can meet Him. He intends for me to meet Him there.  He intends for me to come face to face with my Savior and hear His voice and know Him deeply.

I came to understand in a new way what Paul was saying in Romans 8 when He said that it is through suffering that we will be glorified.  It’s not an option. And when the Lord comes in and rearranges things, I have come to understand that I can truly embrace the season of suffering because my God has great plans and purposes in suffering. It’s His appointed place of inviting me into depths of His heart that I’ve not yet explored. 

Most seasons of suffering that I’ve endured have yielded intimacy with Jesus that I would not have experienced otherwise. With this in mind, I am not asking to suffer, but I do have a completely different perspective.  I want to be found faithful in the end–and I believe hard times are coming where my faithfulness to Jesus will be tried.  Before that day, I want to be made ready. I count it a privilege to suffer for Jesus, because it means that the Father is making me more like His Son. I want to be like Jesus.

Just today someone who recently miscarried called to talk with me about it.   We had two miscarriages in the last year…and I’m pregnant again (!).  Her question to me was, “Are you afraid now to get excited…have you been guarding your heart?”  My response was “No.”

Now, I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t say that the week after we found out that I am pregnant (and yesterday!!), I became very anxious.  I told a few of my closest trusted friends who quickly confronted me with truth.  One text I received in response is saved for posterity in my journal:

Kelly this little one is being held safe in the palm of His hands.  Nothing/no one can separate him/her from that shelter. I speak peace to you dear one in the name of Jesus…who is Life!!!

(What a friend!)

I was very quickly reminded that my Father is trustworthy.  My heart is safe with Him–every part of it. Every emotion expended in excitement or planning or anticipation is safe with this Man.  His desire is that my heart would truly live, and I can’t do that when I am overcome with fear (anxiety/worry).  He is life.

He asked again, “Do you trust me?”

The absolute truth of the matter is that this little life within me could end at any moment.  What does it profit my soul to be consumed with anxiety? I truly believe that the Lord knows what is best for me.  Whether it be a third miscarriage or a healthy baby, He will accomplish what is most important to me.  And, that is to always know Him more intimately, primarily.

My God, who is the author of life, offers Life to my soul.   He is jealous for my heart. He wants me to know Him, to believe His Word about Him, to hear His voice.  To be transformed and not conformed to this world that has God in such a small box.

So I say, Lord, come as close as You want. I want to know You, to hear You, to walk with You.