Waste My Life

I’m sitting in my own little prayer room, just over at the Starbucks down the street. It’s been a busy week with many children (think more than five, two less than ten) in our home at one time. I’m in need of some Kelly-Jesus time. There are so many things on the horizon in life right now that I’d love to touch on, but at the forefront of my mind is how the Lord is allowing hardship in the lives of many believers right now–with beautiful purposes, I believe.

First there’s the friend with five small children and her sixth due in just a few weeks, put on bed rest.  How does a mom with five littles get completely off of her feet?  Her life is not her own, given long ago when the decision was made to welcome these gifts.

And the friend who rejoiced upon learning on her 10th wedding anniversary that she is expecting their fifth child, only to learn this week at an 8-week ultrasound that the pregnancy is ectopic.

And friends who, while on the one hand are rejoicing in the beautiful handiwork of the Lord in bringing home their two newest girls, are also walking down the very real and challenging road of adjusting to a family that was 4 one day, and 6 the next.  A total of 15 years of fatherlessness amongst their children means layers of healing ahead.

In all of the pain and challenges, beauty beyond our wildest dreams is being birthed.

I’m learning that, in all of these things (all the pain and heartache and challenges), of primary importance to our Father and perhaps the greatest purpose of allowing these things, is to draw us unto Himself and into depths of intimacy yet undiscovered in our hearts.  He wants us to lay back on His chest, to feel His heartbeat, to hear Him speak life, comfort, peace to our hearts. He wants us to know Him.

To know Him, and I mean really know Him, changes everything.

But to know Him means we must be willing to walk with Him into some really hard places.  Willingly.

There are depths of healing He wants to bring about, but it means we must agree to overcome our fear and go with the lover of our soul onto the mountains of difficulty.  There is deep confidence in Him that He’s about building–building that which is totally void of our flesh and overflowing with the fragrance of Him.   It’s on the mountaintop that we run and dance and sing freely.  It only comes after a tender, total dependence on Jesus all the way up the mountain.

Many tears, many times of crying out, “I can’t do this.”  And countless times of Him taking us into His arms and speaking tender words of life to us.

Over the last year and a half, I have walked down some of the hardest roads in life yet, apart from the circumstances surrounding when I first came to Christ at 15.  A best friend ended our relationship, suddenly, with no explanation.  There was deep misunderstanding and it was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced.  For months, I sank, until realizing that the Lord removed this unhealthy relationship so that He might come in and take the place that she had.  I didn’t realize at first that she was in a place where He belonged.  How kind of Him.

We now have two children.  But, we have walked down the road of waiting– being told we can’t have children, having major surgery in which cancer was suspected, a miscarriage, and more waiting.  I have always wanted children, many of them, and He’s even spoken to us that we will have many.  It hasn’t been until this year, as I’ve really come to know Him that I have believed Him and am confident in waiting on His perfect timing.  It has been so hard to be the one with the least number of kids, hearing in one week that four friends are pregnant and another is adopting.  I can’t wait to welcome our adopted children, but this too requires waiting.

I’ve been so reminded this week that He is a good Father who knows exactly what we need.  We need Him, and everything, even the hardest imaginable circumstance, is intended to draw us to Him, the perfect Father, comforter, sustainer of our souls, that we might be ravished by Him.  Every single person, whether they’ll admit it or not needs Jesus.  More than anything else. Our life hangs in the balance–not just eternally, but how we live this life now. Will it be wholly unto Him, or wasted on the pleasures of this world that lead to despondency and emptiness?

This is why I dance.   He has ravished me.  I can’t help it.  When you brush up against Him, and settle there, you know Him.  I love this Man and will walk down any road that He asks me to–no matter the pain involved.  My life is not my own, and I will “waste” it on Him.  Foolish to some, breathtaking to Him.  His opinion is what matters to me.

He is worth it all.  Jesus, I want to cling to You.