Why I Don’t Believe Proverbs 22:6 is a Promise

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Pr. 22:6).

I don’t believe this verse is a promise. If I am faithful and do all the right things as a parent, my children may still reject the Lord.

I believe that all of Scripture is divinely inspired and sufficient for all of life. And, the Proverbs are included! But the Proverbs are to be read as maxims for life, not commands. A proverb may be wise for one situation in life, but not another.

For example, “…the borrower is the slave of the lender” (Pro 22:7). Generally, it’s unwise to go into debt. However, a medical emergency would be a good reason to go into debt.

“Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.” This Proverb is communicating that a righteous way of life generally leads to a longer life than one who makes foolish decisions.

One who doesn’t smoke will generally live longer than someone who does, for example. Thus, gray hair in old age. But not every righteous person lives that long, and there are plenty of foolish, unrighteous people who also live long enough for their hair to turn gray.

John Piper says, “All Proverbs are true. But they are not always true in every situation.[1]”

Lest you misunderstand me, I believe the Bible is clear that parents should teach and train their children in the ways of the Lord (Deut. 6:4-25, Pr. 1:8; 4:1; 22:6, Eph 6:4, Col 3:21), and that he blesses them for doing so (Pr. 23:13-14, Pr. 29:17).

Children Have Their Own Hearts

Each child that enters into this world has his own heart—which encompasses his mind, desires, and will. And, there is not one heart born into this world that is neutral. Before salvation, it is depraved (Ps. 51:5, Pr. 22:15). There is nothing in a child’s heart that would incline him to God of his own will because his will is bent on evil:

“as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands; no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one” (Rom. 3:10-12).

The child requires God’s salvific work in his heart, a work which no parent can accomplish by their good and faithful parenting works. With their hearts, our children will think, desire, and do things that are completely out of our control.

Think about the two-year-old who you’ve taught not to throw food on the floor, yet does it again despite painful consequences. Your faithful training and discipline of him will not make him stop. He needs to choose to respond to your training. What about the thirteen-year-old, who, despite being taught from toddlerhood to be kind, just can’t be kind.

Is he this way because you’ve failed as a parent? Well sure, your parenting may have something to do with it. We all fail. But to attribute the choice of another person, regardless of their age, to your failure is to take on a false sense of responsibility.

Each person that comes into this world will be held accountable before God (Rom. 1:19-20). If someone else chooses to reject God, is it your fault? No. To believe that it’s your fault, or that it’s up to you, hints of both over-responsibility and pride.

The over-responsibility and pride come in a sneaky form, often together, and it sounds sort of like, “If I don’t help them, who else will?” or something similar. It may come out in the form of nagging or even enabling various behaviors. This hints at a lack of trust in the Lord to do a work in the heart of that person, and it has the potential to lead the other party to fall into the dangerous temptation and trap of a victim mentality that takes no personal responsibility for their actions (“You made me do this”). 

This way of living (not taking personal responsibility) is now prevalent in our culture but does not fit into Biblical Christianity. Every person is responsible for themselves before God.

This by no means removes the responsibility of a parent, and in fact, it should spur us on to be all the more diligent to live godly lives that enable us to faithfully live out and apply the gospel in our homes.

We will be held accountable before Him one day as to how we stewarded the lives He entrusted to us.

But it is important to remember God will call each person to account. Parents are called to steward, not to save.

No Room for Pride, Lots of Room for Hope

This is an incredibly hopeful word for all people, perhaps especially for the parents who feel like they’re failing or like they have failed. It is also one that leaves no room for parenting pride.

For the parent with a prodigal, may this comfort you. You may look back on your parenting and see many failures along the way. If you haven’t taken the time to repent of them, now is the time to do it. The Lord stands ready to forgive and to comfort.

But you need to understand that your failure isn’t the reason your child has rebelled. Remember, he was born with a depraved heart, bent toward evil. Only the Lord can bend the heart toward Himself, and your child’s story is not yet fully written. Bending may be happening now that isn’t visible to the eyes.

For the parents in the trenches with kids not-yet-saved (me!), may this be an encouragement to you to keep going.

And for those of you, who like me, were saved out of unbelieving families, may you rejoice. You are living evidence that God can save despite parental failures. His hand can reach down into the darkest pit, regardless of circumstances, and save. “There is no partiality with him” (Eph. 6:9).

Every parent can take comfort and rejoice in the reality that, “for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers” (Rom. 8:28-29).

Praise God!

[1] https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-best-discoveries-begin-as-problems